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"I'm just here to help out."

I am totally going to see this. Who wants to come with?

More info.

Appearantly the exhibit will be FREE, em effers. Free!

Why is every headline about the State of the Union referencing Bush’s statement about being addicted to foreign oil? Look, it’s not like this is a new thing, or even the first time Bush has acknowledged it during the State of the Union. In fact, Bush has made that same statement, or a statement largely similar during all five of his State of the Union addresses.

“This Congress must act to encourage conservation, promote technology, build infrastructure, and it must act to increase energy production at home so America is less dependent on foreign oil.” --State of the Union 2002

“Join me in this important innovation to make our air significantly cleaner, and our country much less dependent on foreign sources of energy.” --State of the Union 2003

“I urge you to pass legislation to modernize our electricity system, promote conservation, and make America less dependent on foreign sources of energy.” --State of the Union 2004

“I urge Congress to pass legislation that makes America more secure and less dependent on foreign energy.” --State of the Union 2005

“America is addicted to foreign oil.... By applying the talent and technology of America, this country can dramatically improve our environment, move beyond a petroleum-based economy, and make our dependence on Middle Eastern oil a thing of the past.” --State of the Union 2006

According to Standard & Poors, Exxon just posted a profit of $36 million dollars for 2005 on sales of $371 billion, which is the most profitable year for any company in U.S. history. According to the AAA gas price survey, Americans are shelling out more than 25% more for a gallon of gas than they were a year ago. And as this is an annual average, that bump is largely due to those outrageous prices posted during the natural disasters in the Gulf Coast.

According to the latest figures available from the Department of Energy, Exxon imported 44,639 barrels of oil from the Middle East in the first 6 months of 2005. This is nearly 31% of the oil Exxon purchased during that time period.

Regarding Exxon’s exorbitant profits, President Chuckles said only that the price was determined by the market place and consumers should expect no price breaks. This one day after the 2006 State of the Union address scolding us for having an oil addiction.

I think the most frustrating thing about listening to President Chuckles is that when he says something that sounds right, it’s all talk. He’s just trying to sound less evil than he is and his actions do not live up to his rhetoric. Or to use the President’s secret Religious Right code, he talks the talk, but can’t walk the walk. You all know what I mean.

Imported oil is on the minds of Americans, so Chuckles dutifully addresses it when he speaks. But all his very best friends and most closest business partners are Saudi oil barons and Energy execs, so he’s not doing a thing to undercut their influence on the American economy, and in fact has secret meetings in which he gives these very interests the keys to the treasury and urges them to loot it. That’s what’s really going on.

Last night, George Bush gave his fifth State of the Union Address. For those of you keeping score, this means we will only have to suffer two more from President Chuckles for the duration of our lives.

I watched the State of the Union, which like all the best comedies did not feature a laugh track, and I couldn’t help but wonder whether I was through the looking glass or something.

What follows is a brief series of entries, shoehorned into my increasingly busy day, in which I ruminate on what the State of our Union is. At least the state of the union as seen through the eyes of President Chuckles.

Let’s take this one to start. Can you make sense of the following statement?

“When they murder children at a school in Beslan, or blow up commuters in London, or behead a bound captive, the terrorists hope these horrors will break our will, allowing the violent to inherit the Earth. But they have miscalculated; we love our freedom, and will fight to keep it.”*

This statement references a verse of the Bible, Matthew 5:5 of the King James Version specifically. The original statement “And the meek shall inherit the earth,” is said to have been spoken by Christ himself, and is part of a list of rewards that the long sufferers, the powerless, the oppressed, and the subservient will receive in time if they continue to live their lives under the heel of anyone who wants to tread on them. It’s sort of like an investment. Shut up and take it for now, and then you get to have a reward, a great big reward, at an unspecified time long in the future. Christ was never really one to paint himself into a corner by attaching dates to any of his most fanciful oratory.

This List of rewards, sometimes referred to as the Beatitudes, is found in the most famous of Christ’s recorded speeches, the Sermon on the Mount. The Sermon on the Mount is sort of like Christ’s “I Have a Dream” or “Mr. Gorbachev, tear down that wall,” or “Ask not what your country can do for you.” And just like those modern examples the words are often ripped from context and forced to mean anything that the person quoting them wants them to mean.

Now the premise of Christ’s statement (or put it another way, the Original Intent of the speaker) was to quell violent revolution and ease suffering with the promise of something better in the future. The Romans, a brutal occupying force, had the region under tight control and the historical record indicates that Pontius Pilot, the Governor of the region where Christ wandered and taught, was among the most blood thirsty despots ever to wield executive power, no matter how timidly Mel Gibson chooses to portray him.

So, by evoking the Beatitudes it is possible that President Chuckles intended only to threaten the Iraqi people in a straight up, one for one, allegorical way. We are the occupying force so we are the Romans. Rummsfeld is clearly the Pilot figure with is blatant disregard for the people he’s occupying as evidenced by the staggering number of Iraqi casualties and all the depleted uranium he’s left littering the Iraqi landscape. President Chuckles would clearly be Jesus, a stretch for most of us, but one gets the impression it’s not a difficult leap for the president to make in his own mind.

“Oppressed and unemployed people whom I have overlooked for jobs rebuilding your country in favor of sweetheart deals for U.S. companies hear me! Stay meek, mother fuckers, because I ‘will fight to keep’ what I took from you!”

But I don’t believe President Chuckles is capable of that level of sophistication. He’s made political hay from the fact that he’s incapable of comprehending nuance. I think it’s just a tortured sentence that was designed to be code for “I am in the Religious Right!” which could be interpreted by the religious right but would pass by the rest of us. In the end it produced a sentence that makes no sense.

We are meek. We deserve to inherit the Earth. If you try to take the Earth from us we will fight like hell to crush you. Meekly.

Think about it. Under President Chuckles statement shouldn’t we be rolling over every time Osama kicks our ass and just permitting him to run roughshod over us?

Read it again. “When they murder children at a school in Beslan, or blow up commuters in London, or behead a bound captive, the terrorists hope these horrors will break our will, allowing the violent to inherit the Earth. But they have miscalculated; we love our freedom, and will fight to keep it.”*

The terrorists try to subvert the natural way permitting the violent to inherit the Earth. But they have miscalculated and to prove how fundamentally flawed their thinking was we’re going to be even more violent than them to prove that the violent do not and can never inherit the Earth!

If you voted for President Chuckles--either time--you ought to be meekly forced at gunpoint to kick your own ass until that statement makes sense.


* 152 Cong. Rec. H15 (daily ed. Jan. 31, 2006) (The State of the Union Address by the President of the United States).

Yay! Thank you LiveJournal for creating nudges. It's like being pecked to death by ducks.

So, I have this fancy new job in New York City working for The Man TM* and ensuring The Man TM can continue on His path of corporate evil unimpeded by such things as decency or honor or the right thing or anything that Amy Grant stands for. Seriously, I work for Wolfram and Hart. On the other hand they pay me really well so even when I'm doing something that I know will further evil in the world, I do it gladly and to the best of my ability because I want to buy expensive toys and now I have the means for same and because I am a whore.

Perhaps I am everybody's favorite whore?

In other news, I've met a boy. This one I like. Who wants to help me dust off my high school Espanol?

Las ensaladas viven en las casas.

Well, they do.

*Trademark

Ok. So, Bevin, who you may remember from such times as that time when her girlfriend broke up with her, or that time when she was Talk of the Town in The New Yorker, is all about Friendster.com. I have often, and with great enthusiasm proclaimed my opinion on these matters which is that Friendster is bullshit.

( Find out what else I think about Friendster! )

To that end, I’d like to introduce you all to my new Friendster profile as re-imagined by Bevin. If you're haveing trouble using that link just search for brian_blaho at yahoo dot com to find my profile for Friendstering purposes. You can go there and spend some quality time getting to know the Friendster me and maybe even deciding you'd like to Friendster friend me.

If we aren’t Friendster friends, please apply to be my Friendster friend. I promise not to reject you. I also promise to leave you a testimonial and hope you will leave me one too. I need the support of the internet to show me why I’m wrong to think Friendster is bullshit. I have an open mind on this issue and am willing to learn. Just check my bullshit mouth bubble if you don’t believe me.

*In Real Life

Date:	2005-10-10 10:26
Subject:	Rough Draft
Security:	Public
Mood:	giddy

To be hand deliverd in a day or two. I'm trying to work out the kinks, so any advice you may have about refining this letter is greatly appreciated.

Dear C_____,

This letter is to inform you that I am resigning. I have accepted a new position as a reference librarian for [giant international law firm] and will be starting there as soon as the details can be worked out. The biggest detail to which I am already aware is that [giant international law firm] wants to pay me a fair wage to do the same kind of work I do for you.

I thank you for the opportunities you have given me here and right up until we had that meeting in your office in which you told me that you were not considering me for the promotion for which I’d applied, that you’d like to change my internship so that it no longer ends after two years but instead would have an indefinite term so I could be some kind of life-time intern, that even if you could change my current internship you would advertise it heavily as a new position in an effort to fill it with someone else, and that you would gladly serve as a reference for me but would tell potential employers negative things about me, right up until that moment I enjoyed working here. After that, less so.

I realize, C_____, that this may be a hardship for you. I am not blind to the fact that you have managed to drive nearly the entire reference staff off through your mismanagement of people and that when I leave you will have only one reference librarian remaining, aside from your ever growing cadre of part timers of course. I am also aware that despite the number of people you bring in here to interview, the library’s reputation, your reputation, C_____, precedes you and no one will accept your offer for employment. I cite here specifically the fact that we have had two very nice positions open for twenty (20) months. Additionally I feel bad for the students who will be affected by this, the students who will not be able to receive the kind of support they deserve, they kind of support they pay tuition expecting to benefit from.

Therefore, C_____, I am suppressing my initial inclination to take a pee on your desk and walk out this very moment. Instead I will stay as long as you need me, up to two weeks from this date. I leave that in your hands. It will put barely a dent in that twenty (20) month average replacement time, but it is the best I can offer you. My official last day will be eight working days after the last day I come into work. This is to accommodate my remaining vacation time. I will return my master key after my vacation pay has been processed.

Very Truly Yours,

[Sooner]

Dear Kim,

There is new Hate.

Brian

Date:	2005-08-31 11:12
Subject:	Political Action
Security:	Public
Mood:	productive

Via United States Postal Services</a>


August 31, 2005

Honorable Sharpe James
Mayor’s Office
920 Broad Street
Newark, NJ 07102

Re: Atlanta’s mayor is a Smarty McSmartyson

Dear Mayor James:

By way of introduction, I am not one of your constituents, but I do find myself in your city five or six days per week as one of the many commuting workers Newark welcomes. I earn my living here, I spend money here, I attend concerts here, I even have a library card at the Newark Public Library. Mayor James, I am a part of this community in most ways, and it is only by accident of address I don’t vote in Newark. I view this as a distinction without difference, though as a public servant dependant on votes for your position I understand that you may have a contrary opinion.

Nonetheless, Mayor James, I write to you today to assure myself that you have been made aware of Mayor Shirley Franklin of Atlanta’s groundbreaking new ordinance banning begging. Please see the enclosed news item for more details. I officially declare that Mayor Franklin and her staff are totally brilliant in all ways throughout the universe in perpetuity for thinking this up and then making it happen.

I confess that I am originally from the Midwest and possess a doughy and affable face which seems to radiate friendliness and concern for my fellow human being in all directions, touching the hearts of all who see it. Mayor James, this is an asset in a delicate contract negotiation or when trying to get a date with a hottie, but it is an absolute horror when strolling along Halsey Street.

Nary has a single day has gone by when I have not been asked for money on the street by increasingly aggressive beggars clearly more interested in a drug fix than nourishment. I have been screamed at, grabbed and shaken, and spat upon when refusing to give money to these down and outs. Often while the acrid smell of urine (not my own) is stinging my sinuses.

Mayor James, I call upon you in your official capacity as Mayor of the great city of Newark, New Jersey and chief proponent of municipal legislation to help a bitch out. I think you need to get some of your people on this begging ban thing and see what we can accomplish right here. Enforcement in Atlanta includes a large component of steering people in need of assistance to social services before any actual punishment is meted out and non-verbal, non-aggressive begging, like holding up a sign and a paper cup, is still permitted.

I believe in you, Mayor James, and I believe in your ability to get things done. Yes, this will force some of the neediest of your constituents to change their way of life. They will be forced to avail themselves of social services or lose their liberty, but in the long run isn’t that better for them than what they face now? And besides, Mayor James, we are talking about people that eschew toileting as an unnecessary social convention, it’s not like they vote. And while I can’t vote for you, I do have a job and a check book and the freedom to donate to any campaign I choose.

Thank you in advance for putting your considerable influence behind this matter and getting it all ironed out. I look forward to an unmolested walk from the train station to my office in the very near future.

Very Truly Yours,

Brian Blaho

BTB:btb
Encl.

Date:	2005-08-08 14:50
Subject:	For Christina - HCSXCQ
Security:	Public
Mood:	thankful

August 8, 2005


HSBC Card Services
Attn: Bosses of Christina - HCSXCQ
P.O. Box 80084
Salinas, CA
93912-0084


Re: Excellent Customer Service


Dear The Man:

I am an account holder of Household Bank and have one of your cards in my wallet. (Acct number: XXXX XXXX XXXX XXXX.) I believe that our relationship has been generally favorable for both sides. Oh, sure, with you being The Man and all, I’ve had to watch my back as you are always trying to keep me down and whatever. But I knew going in that such was your nature and as my step-godfather always used to say, “when one makes a deal with The Man, one keeps in mind that The Man has already stacked the odds in his favor.” Yes, Step-Godfather Blaho tortured his subordinate clauses mercilessly, but his meaning remains clear.

Recently, I have been inundated with an avalanche of fees on my account from your institution. Again, it’s to be expected. As The Man you are armed with a quiver of arrows, each more deceitful and cleverly fiendish than the last, all designed to wound me a little as you drain my life’s blood while keeping me alive enough to replenish what you’ve taken that you may drain me again. I do not blame you for using your Fee Avalanche Arrow in your unending quest to keep me down, no more than I blame the shark for using her teeth nor the skunk for using his stink spray.

But when your hateful barbs finally came to be too much, I called your phone center and was lucky enough to have been connected with Christina – HCSXCQ. Now, being The Man I know that the story I’m about to tell you may cause you to want to lash out at Christina as it may appear that she is totally on the side of light against The Man. I urge you to curb that reaction and bear her no ill. Yes, she assisted me in my epic struggle against you, but I’ve won only a battle, not the war and as Sun Tzu reminds it is wise to keep one’s enemies closer than one’s friends.

Christina – HCSXCQ took the time to explain to me where I was going wrong. She taught me how even though I was paying exactly what you told me was the minimum payment required to keep my account in good standing on your website, I must do some kind of bullkaka math to determine what my finance charges will be the following month and THEN ADD THAT SUM to your published “minimum payment” or when you determined my finance charges and added them to my balance it would put me over the limit again and you would get to add that effing fee ad infinitum!

That’s right, The Man! Thanks to Christina - HCSXCQ, I now know your secret. I know that you are going to tell me the minimum payment is sucha sucha much, but sucha sucha much is not the minimum required to avoid the over the limit fee next month! No! I’ve got to do my own math to determine that amount! So, as you can see, you still totally have your hooks in me to the tune of a hateful word problem every month when I get my statement. I’m still being pricked by the Hateful Word Problem Every Month Arrow from your quiver.

I took up a great deal of Christina – HCSXCQ’s time that day and required her to give me a math lesson over the phone with out the benefit of a power point presentation. She never made an effort to rush me off the phone, and though clearly exasperated by my inability to comprehend long division, she worked me through it all. Her long suffering patience and good cheer have led me to the inescapable conclusion that Christina – HCSXCQ totally rules in all ways throughout the known universe in perpetuity.

This is why I’m contacting you, The Man. I feel that as Christina – HCSXCQ is a total asset to your organization you should recognize her with a raise or a bonus or some other financial remuneration. Remember that pats on the back are nice but they don’t pay the electric bill so this should be rewarded with cash first and handshakes to accompany only. You’re a giant bank; I bet you can find a spare $50.00 with Christina – HCSXCQ’s name on it between the cushions of your sofa if you just try. Besides it’s totally in your interests to pay her well as it would be such a shame to lose her to competing call centers run by Capital One or Citi or the like.





Very Truly Yours,





Brian T. Blaho

BTB:btb